Where Forever Lies Read online

  “I guess, let’s get this over with. Are you nervous?” Kyleigh asked with a weak smile as she shoved some tissues into her purse.

  “Yes, but it helps that you’re here, too,” Paige said, giving her friend’s hand a quick squeeze. She glanced in the mirror and sighed as she noticed how horrible she looked. Her hazel eyes were red and swollen and her pale cheeks were flushed from nervousness. Knowing there was nothing she could do to cover it up she opened the door and trudged out into the sunny June afternoon and into the darkness of grief that awaited her. How many more funerals would she have to go to in her lifetime? She had a feeling it would be more than her heart could handle.

  As they walked through the crowded parking lot and towards the building, memories flashed to six months ago to Natasha’s funeral, which was also here at the all too familiar white church. Paige felt like she was having a moment of deja vu. She felt the flashbacks starting to creep in and the nightmares of Natasha in her green silky dress resurfacing. Paige had watched with bated breath as Natasha sat up in her casket and gazed blankly around the room as if she didn’t know where she was. At the time, the nightmare had seemed so real, so vivid that she had woken up with her heart pounding and her skin soaked in sweat, tears had been steadily falling down her face. She remembered the horror of watching her dust herself off and then look down at where she lay, looking utterly confused. Paige felt the tears stinging the edges of her eyes and shuddered.

  “Are you all right?” Kyleigh lightly touched her shoulder as she saw the look on her face.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just having flashbacks, but... I’ll be fine,” Paige said, trying to reassure her friend, and at the same time reassure herself, that she could do this again—she had to—this wasn’t something that she could miss. She would only feel worse in the long run if she skipped out on today. She could not wait for this to all be over, though, so she could start picking up the pieces of her shattered and disassembled life and try to move on; hopefully free of the death that kept sneaking up on her lately.

  She kept her eyes trained on the blacktopped parking lot, not wanting to meet anyone’s stares and see the look everyone seemed to give her about being here, as if she didn’t have a place here. Just because things didn’t work out between Randy and her, didn’t mean she didn’t care about him. He was her daughter’s father, and even though he was dead, he always would be her father.

  They opened the huge wooden doors that were covered in beautiful stained glass and stepped into a small foyer where people were gathered around, some crying, others quietly talking with each other. Without saying a word, they made their way to the open double doors that led into the church sanctuary, both agreeing to take a seat in a hard wooden pew in the back of the crowded church, by themselves. A lot of the people were her own age, and as Paige glanced around the room, she realized she knew most of them. Randy had been a popular guy and everyone who knew him must have been here to say their final good-bye.

  Once the sermon began, they listened silently as the preacher talked about Randy Madison’s short life on earth and how he would be greatly missed by his family and friends. In the distance, she could hear murmurs of grief throughout the congregation. Paige thought she was handling the sermon fairly well, considering the situation, and then the preacher mentioned Kyra. Even though it was only a brief mention, it had the power to make the tears start falling and she wiped at her eyes with a Kleenex. She was completely shocked that they had even decided to mention her at all, but she was incredibly thankful that they had. It meant more to her than they would ever know. Kyleigh leaned over and gently rubbed her shoulder, trying to ease her feelings, sympathy showing on her face as tears spilled down her own reddened cheeks.

  She took in a deep breath, wishing the preacher would hurry up and end his sermon because she didn’t know how much more she could take. She let herself concentrate on the multi-colored flowers up front and did her best to drown out everything he was saying about Randy. She knew him, knew everything about him, and she didn’t need to hear it all again while he lay up front, dead.

  After the sermon finally ended, everyone filed into a line to walk towards the open casket to say their goodbye. Paige felt as if she was in a dream and hoped, for a moment, that she was just sleepwalking.

  This could not be real, she thought, maybe I will wake up and everything will be back to normal.

  Instead, she found that she had unconsciously made the walk to the front of the church and was only a few feet away from Randy’s body. In her peripheral vision, she caught a glimpse of Randy’s mom sitting off to the side, crying. Paige reached the casket where Randy lay and noticed his hands were clasped together, a leafy vine intertwined in them. She thought of her dream and reached down and tenderly touched his hand. It was so cold she almost jerked back from the unease of how lifeless he felt. She felt a tear form in her eye and watched as it fell down her face and landed on Randy’s hand.

  As she slowly walked away, she knew her life was forever changed.

  Chapter 2

  Letting go is never easy. Life is good about handing out constant reminders. Sometimes all it takes is someone saying a certain word or phrase. Other times it’s a smell that reminds you of the person you lost. And sometimes you pass someone on the street who resembles them, and you have to do a double take to make sure it’s not actually them. Paige had dealt with all that in the past six months and she wondered if she would ever become blind to the reminders. She knew things would get harder before they got better, but time seemed to be standing still for her. Getting past this hill of grief was proving to be extremely difficult for her. At times, it felt like a mountain full of snow and ice that she had to trek over barefoot. She didn’t know where to turn to get relief from the feelings that seemed to want to drown her. Heartache seemed to hammer at her body, making her whole being feel as if she’d been in the fight of her life; she was losing and grief was winning.

  She sat on the couch watching Kyra play quietly with her toys. The TV hummed in the background but she barely noticed what was on. She was hoping to relax, considering it had been a stressful month, but found it impossible. She found herself thinking about Kyra’s and her future; how, from now on, it would just be the two of them, and how she was going to deal with the entire burden of being a single mother. She knew thinking about this would only depress her even more, but with everything that had happened in the past month, it was hard not to. She felt her life seemed incomplete. There was an empty space there now and she saw it plain as day. She’d never noticed it before, when Randy was alive, even though he was absent in their life for the majority of the past year.

  She was not going to let herself cry in front of Kyra, but she couldn’t shake the heartache that seemed to keep growing. It just seemed to be building to the point that it was hard to see over. Kyra interrupted her thoughts by climbing up and plopping on her lap facing her. Paige watched as her daughter carried on a conversation to herself, bouncing her head enthusiastically up and down as the conversation intensified. Paige couldn’t help but smile at watching her. She made the dark times more bearable.

  In an instant, Kyra abruptly stopped talking, her hands dropped to her side, and her eyes focused behind them. Paige stared at her daughter for a second, confused as to what she was doing. Slowly turning around, she narrowed her eyes, looking for what had caught her daughter’s attention, but saw nothing.

  “What were you looking at Kyra; I bet you were tricking me, weren’t you?” Paige said grinning as she carefully leaned Kyra back, tickling her belly. Kyra giggled profoundly and grabbed at Paige’s hands to block any more tickling. Still smiling, Paige leaned her back up and relented with the tickle monster. Once upright again, Kyra began to sing the itsy bitsy spider song, her tiny fingers making a crawling motion in the air. Her red Minnie Mouse pajamas matched her red hair and one long curl hung down in her eye. Paige absently brushed it away, listening as Kyra continued to sing.

  Halfway through th
e song, she stopped singing, her thin eyebrows creasing together in confusion as she looked behind them again. Paige watched her for a minute and then shook her head as she uneasily turned to look behind her again. Still seeing nothing, she turned to face her daughter just as Kyra held up her hand and waved, “Bye, bye, Dada.”

  Paige felt her throat constrict with fear, emotion and confusion at those three words. She couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. She clutched her chest, feeling as if someone had just physically reached in, grabbed her heart, and squeezed. She felt like grief was tightening the rope around her neck again, keeping her within arm’s reach of what had happened. She couldn’t get past it. It was always making her feel the pain.

  “Kyra, you’re scaring mommy,” Paige whispered after she finally found her voice. She didn’t know what to think and could feel goose bumps explode on her skin.

  She didn’t want to look behind her; fear gripped her muscles and locked them into place. It was all too much to handle. She was afraid that if she turned around and saw what Kyra was supposedly seeing, that small grip she still had on her sanity would break, and she would slip into the madness of despair. So she kept her eyes focused straight ahead on Kyra. Her breaths came out quick and shallow and her heart was racing. She felt the air in her apartment shift, forming a coolness that was undeniable. She shivered and saw Kyra had goose bumps covering her arms as well, her bottom lip quivered slightly while her blue eyes remained fastened behind them, almost as if she was in a daze. Paige’s hands trembled as she frantically gripped her daughter’s waist, a crazy fear taking hold that at any moment Kyra would be swept away into the unknown. She wouldn’t let that happen, she couldn’t lose anyone else in her life, let alone her daughter. She was thinking irrationally, she knew that, but at the same time, she didn’t trust anything in her life right now. Every time she thought things were looking up, something or someone was taken away from her.

  Finally, after several agonizing minutes Kyra broke her gaze away from whatever she was looking at and hopped down from Paige’s lap. She sat down on the floor and started playing with her toys as if nothing had even happened. Still in disbelief, Paige couldn’t move and sat there waiting for something else to happen. She didn’t know what, maybe for the lights to flicker or the TV to magically shut off, as she had seen happen on scary movies, but... nothing else happened. As if things could not get any creepier, she felt all the blood drain from her face when she looked back at the TV and saw the dead twin girls from the movie The Shining. They were just standing there staring, completely motionless, as if they were staring directly at her. But, she knew they had to be staring at the little boy in the hall of the old hotel, right?

  She shook her head and looked down at her shaky hands, trying to get a grip on her nerves and swallow the panic attack that was trying to explode out of her. She could feel her heart pounding through her chest, her hands were drenched in sweat and she gritted her teeth against the anxiety. She felt weak, but she didn’t know how else to feel when her little girl acted like she’d seen someone who was dead. She leaned forward on her knees, resting her face on her hands, and told herself that she was tired and stressed and was making too much out of nothing.

  After finally getting her emotions calmed down, she sat there for a few more minutes watching Kyra play, and told herself it was from dealing with another death that was causing her to look too deeply into something that couldn’t be possible. She didn’t handle death very well, anyway, she doubted anyone did, and dealing with two close friends in a matter of six months would take its toll on anyone’s sanity. Kyra probably just thought she saw something or was just being silly like little kids do. There was no way Randy’s ghost, or spirit, was here in their home. That was just insane, wasn’t it? As she sat there and tried to reassure herself of this, she jumped when a knock came at the door.

  She let out a distressed breath as she peered through the peephole and saw David Madison standing outside her door.

  This is so odd, she thought.

  She couldn’t understand why Randy’s brother had to pick this exact moment to stop by and visit, but here he was standing on her doorstep waiting to be let in. She hesitated for a second as she looked through the peephole, trying to comprehend everything that had just happened. Her mind was reeling with crazy thoughts and she had to really focus to keep the anxiety at bay. So many memories wanted to resurface and she had to push them down. She hadn’t seen David since the funeral and there were so many things about him that reminded her of Randy.

  The apartment hallway light was on the verge of going out, and the light kept flickering in that eerie way. She thought it cast David in a mystifying light, and then laughed at how ridiculous that sounded.

  What is he doing here so late? She wondered. She looked at the clock and realized that it was only eight o’ clock, but she rarely had visitors at this hour. She blew out a breath and opened the door to greet him.

  “Hey, David,” Paige said as she motioned for him to come in.

  “Hey, Paige. I hope I’m not bothering you, just showing up like this?” he asked in a rough voice, making him sound tired and worn out. He scuffed his boots on the mat before making his way inside and taking a seat on the couch.

  “David, you know you’re welcome here, anytime. I was just watching TV, anyway,” she said noticing his sullen demeanor. His brown eyes had deep sadness embedded in them, and as he smiled, his dimples were nonexistent compared to the way he normally looked. She felt bad for him. She couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to deal with your only brother dying. She wouldn’t really know, considering she was an only child, but she knew grief well enough to know that it hurts like hell. Grief has a way of stripping things from you and making you realize how great they are after they are already taken away. She had lived this nightmare and she could see that David knew this now, too.

  Even though she and Randy had not stayed together, she and David had remained friends. David had always made a point to visit her and Kyra at least once a month, more than Randy had, but she assumed that being an uncle was less daunting than being a father. She understood that being a parent at a young age was terrifying, but she also couldn’t fathom being away from Kyra for more than a day. She always knew in her heart that Randy would have come to his senses and started seeing Kyra on a regular basis, if his life hadn’t ended so short. But she was happy that at least one family member from that side wanted to be somewhat involved in their life, since the rest of them seemed to not care less.

  Kyra smiled shyly at him as she went over and laid her head on her Paige’s lap, pretending to be asleep. David smiled at her and then asked, “So, how are you guys doing?”

  “We’re hanging in there, I guess. It’s been hard. I can’t imagine how you and your family have been dealing with this though, I’m so sorry David,” she said, seeing the depression in his slumped body and the lines of grief still showing on his tired face. He ran a hand over his face, looking exhausted, as if he hadn’t slept in days. She absently stroked Kyra’s head as she started to doze off, wondering what she should say, if anything, to make him feel a little better.

  “Well, Mom has fallen into a dark depression. She hasn’t been eating and sleeps a lot. Roger doesn’t know what to do with her; you know he’s not a very compassionate man anyway, so this is beyond his capabilities,” David said, pausing as he seemed to think about it all.

  Paige did know this, and thought back to her phone conversation with him two years ago. She had tried calling Randy’s mom to let her know that she had had Kyra, everything had turned out well, and she was welcome to come see her, but Sharon didn’t want anything to do with Paige or Kyra. Instead of talking to Paige, she had the nerve to have Roger get on the phone and tell her not to call back. That was the day she realized how cruel people could be. Roger’s hurtful words of calling her a trashy, un-wed mother, and to never call there again, made her realize she never wanted Kyra to be around them, anyway.

  “Yes,
I know,” she said as she gently laid Kyra on the couch beside her. Kyra had evidently pretended too well and convinced herself she was sleepy.

  “She must have been tired,” David said, his eyes showing a hint of sadness in them, and at the same time, as he looked down at Kyra, Paige saw a look of admiration wash over him.

  “She looks just like him,” he finally whispered his voice low and soft as he stared down at Kyra.

  Paige smiled, knowing he couldn’t be more right. “Yes, she does.”

  He finally tore his eyes away from Kyra and looked at Paige, “You know, even though he wasn’t always doing what he should be doing for you two, he told me that he would always make sure you guys were taken care of, and have what you needed, no matter what happened. He really cared a lot about you and Kyra, even if he didn’t always show it.” He sighed heavily and added, “I want you to know that if you ever need anything, I’ll be here for you and Kyra, since he no longer can. He would want me to make sure you guys are taken care of.”

  “That’s really sweet, David, thanks. I’m sure that would mean a lot to Randy,” Paige said as she leaned back against the cushion, pulling her legs up under her.

  “It’s just that I know things were rough between you guys and don’t want you to think badly of him, Paige, he would have made sure you guys were happy, and had what you needed out of life, no matter what the cost was to him.” David looked back down at Kyra, a sullen expression taking over his face.

  “I know he was a good guy, David. I’ve never thought badly of him. I knew in time he’d come around more.” Paige squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to cry again.

  “I just can’t believe he’s actually gone, you know? I mean, it’s still so surreal and feels like it’s all a dream and tomorrow I’ll wake up and he’ll be revving his Harley in my driveway, just to piss me off.” He took in a deep breath and continued, “It’s stupid, I know he’s gone, but I just can’t make my mind actually believe it.” He gripped his hair with his hand, looking like he didn’t know what to do with his emotions.